To my children:
Using the miracle of time travel, I have just polled some of the most important people of all time! I have here collected their opinions on various matters as a treasure-trove of wisdom for the ages.
| Question for Pharoah Amenhotep IV, who "walks like an Egyptian" (1390-1352 BC): |
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"Dude, you are so gay."
"Fool. You dare to insinuate false accusations against ME, Prince of the Universe? You shall suffer the eternal falcon-wrath of the staff of Osiris, you jackal-headed Anubis-fucker! Also, that wasn't a question."
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| Question for Nero, Roman Emperor and two-time Kiwanis champion fiddle-player (54-68 AD): |
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"Did you know that you're only remembered for playing the fiddle while Rome burned down? That's why they named a CD-burning program after you."
"That is wildly egregious, but not unexpected. What is a CD, by the way? And why am I speaking English?"
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| Question for Clovis, Frankish Emperor with a really gay name (466-511 AD): |
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"Do you realize that you're the first and only French military commander to achieve a victory?"
"Well, if the nation I founded is that wussy, I hope they never get any veto power on the United Nations Security Council...What? They do?...Fuck that!"
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| Question for Aelfwine, Saxon peasant and poop spreader (c. 980 AD): |
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"Why are you working the soil so hard when no one likes you and no one will ever remember you were alive?"
"They will now dumbass. You just told everybody my name!"
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| Question for Shakespeare, playwright and bane of grade 11 students everywhere (1564-1616 AD): |
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"What is the significance of the natural world in Macbeth and how does it influence our perception of early-modern environmental discourse?"
"Do your own essay."
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| Question for George Washington, patriot and guy on the one dollar bill (1732-1799 AD): |
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"When you founded America, what were you thinking about the doctrine of pre-emption, the legalization of abortion, civil unions for same-sex couples, the teaching or Creationism in public schools and the policy of affirmative action?"
"Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? I just wanted to be independent from England! Why don't you ask that Jefferson guy over there. He's young and hip and into you kids' lingo."
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| Question for Martin Luther King Jr., activist and guy who's done more than you'll ever do (1929-1968 AD): |
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"Level with us Marty. Did you actually have a dream?"
"Yeah, but in it I was some sort of hot-dog being chased by a three-eyed purple motorcycle. It was pretty messed up. So I just told everyone what they wanted to hear."
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| Question for T-800 (2021-2458 AD): |
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"Why did they only send one of you back in time to kill John Connor? I mean, why not send 10 or 20?"
"Because then there would be no plot, you idiot. Jeez, humans are stupid. Thank God we stuck you all in that Matrix thing."
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| Question for violently mutated, post-Apocalypse resistance fighter (2577-2601 AD): |
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"If you disable their warp capacity, you might be able to slide through a temporary artificial worm hole and re-emerge in the Delta Quadrant. What? You're out of dilithium? Now you've done it, the human race is doomed for sure this time!"
"I'll get the dilithium when I say I'll get the dilithium. And why are you using a black and white camera to take my picture and not one of the zillions of 67,890,435 giga-pixel digital cameras they're selling over there at the Dollar Store, which is, at this point in time, actually the Trillion Dollar Store."
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| Question for...What the fuck is this? I guess Fraeon is right--time really does go in a circle (3122 AD): |
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"Are you...can you...look...oh nevermind. I'm bolting back to the 21st century where I belong. See ya'!"
"Charming fellow. I wonder what the devil he wanted. Oh dear, it's raining donuts again..."
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