To My Children:

What the hell is going on with PBS today? This has got to be the most useless channel I have ever come across in my life. Their news, arts, and seemingly endless appeals for donations hogs a coveted place on my TV midway between channel 11 and channel 13--a space that could be used for Showtime or ESPN 3. What exactly is wrong with them? Well, read on and see for yourselves!

NEWS

Each day at 6:00 pm, PBS showcases its lame alternative to big-network news programs. Instead of featuring relevant stories from a broad spectrum of society, PBS's Newshour has decided to spend a whole friggin' hour focusing on some obscure bill that's been sitting in the Senate for the past 10 years, that, if passed, might, oh my God, add 15 minutes to the work-week and thereby destroy American democracy forever! Oh sure, Jim Lehrer can put you to sleep in the first 10 minutes with his monotone, poorly articulated synopsis of the day's events. But if you do stay awake past this point, you get to hear two B-list syndicated columnists discuss why George Bush is a bad president and pretty much agree with everything the other guy says.

Can you FEEL the boredom?

DRAMA

Because PBS is an American station funded entirely by the American people, you'd think they'd do their best to deliver the finest American drama...WRONG! PBS seems to think that the only TV shows ever made, comedy or tragedy, action or romance, are all British. It may surprise them to realize that there are, in fact, many American shows of varying degrees of quality. There are also poorly-scripted Canadian comedies and Australian nature documentaries featuring guys with really short shorts. And let's not forget Japanese game shows, in which contestants are treated with the utmost respect. But no, no, no. The massive PBS ostrich has its head in the sand for this one--it refuses to acknowledge the existence of any non-British TV show (save for Newshour). And they wonder why no one watches...Cheerio!

Yikes! Cancel this show! I think I can see an American in the distant background!

TELEVIZED PANHANDLING

This is what PBS does best. Begging you for money pretty much 'round the clock. Without your generous American dollars, hundreds of British actors in period costume could be out of work. What is more, if you don't donate now, PBS might be forced off the air to make way for one of those non-public interest stations like HBO or Playboy. And Americans clearly wouldn't want that. So pony up your dough--American dollars or British pounds stirling--because you wouldn't want to be deprived of sonambulating news anchors, poorly thought-out reality TV shows set in 16th century England, or Ken Burns's latest scintillating documentary, a 7-part series on the evolution of mothballs (where he doesn't shy away from asking the mothball industry the tough questions).

Call now and receive a free VHS cassette (DVD? What are those?) of Mark Russell singing politicized Christmas carols. Songs include: 'Silent Election Night, Holy Electoral Fight,' 'Jingle Bells, Schumer Smells,' and the all time classic spinoff of 'God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen,' 'God hates you fairy gentlemen.'

So go ahead. Watch PBS. Get unbiased leftist views and watch the excitement roll in as Nigel cheats on Bridget with, gasp, Alastair from the flat above! Cheerio! I'll be watching FOX, because watching TV should take LESS effort than work.