To My Children:

It's not easy being a critic. Critics are charged with the difficult task of calling it as it is, no matter how many communists or Wolfenstein fans will oppose them. Yes, being a critic has its costs, but being right is priceless.

Recently, scores of untrained schoolchildren have taken issue with this humble author. Some are heard crying: "'Return to Castle Wolfentsein is, like, the best, like, game ever, and, like, Fester is, like, a fucking dickweed." Also heard have been comments such as this one: "Communism works-just give it a chance, well, I mean, a second chance-or, actually, a third chance-wait, I mean, a fourth…O dammit, Fester is a fucking dickweed."

Well, answering readers' criticisms point for point is usually my style. Suffice to say this: Sit down. Take a breath. Look at things objectively. Fester has no predisposition to hate the Wolfenstein series. It just happens that, in a totally objective and metaphysical sense, Return to Castle Wolfenstein sucks. It can't be helped. The game is lousy qua lousy. You can argue with me till the cows come home; that won't change the fact that I get more girls than you.

In a similar vein, I beseech those of you who are offended with my assessment of communism to actually sit down and read Marx (or Plato). No, watching Red Dawn with Patrick Swayze does not qualify you to debate Marxist political economy and its merits versus Malthusian and Keynesian versions of the free market. Read first, argue later. And remember, Fester gets more girls than you.

Yes, yes, living in a FREE society means that you can respond to this article as well. You could, perhaps threaten to boycott Firman Productions and all of its subsidiaries. You could even call me a fucking dickweed. I am always eager to hear back from my readers. That is why I have included both my e-mail address and snail mail address for your correspondence. That's right, I am being sarcastic. I don't particularly care what you think. I don't care what Id Software, proud maker of Wolfenstein 3D and shamed maker of Return to Castle Wolfenstein thinks. I don't care what the Communist party thinks. Incidentally, if Marx's communist utopia abolished currency and capital, why does the Communist party accept donations? Please, get a life. My articles are merely one aspect of the many-faced Maniac Frog website. If you don't like it, you can hop into a raft and sail to Cuba. On your way, you'll likely pass about ten thousand Cubans on rafts getting the fuck AWAY from Cuba.

Sheesh,
Fester