The following transcript from last month's debate should help you decide:

Jim Lehrer: Good evening, I'm Jim Lehrer. Tonight, the presidential debates. I'll be moderating. Each candidate will have 2 minutes to respond except for President Bush, who will have 8 minutes. There will be no profanity, except for Mr. Roddy Piper, who is allowed to use the phrase 'Oy, fockin' right,' provided it is said in a heavy Scottish accent. Our first question is for Senator Kerry, and it comes from Flyboy in Monroeville, Pennsylvania: 'How would you defend our country against terrorists?'

John Kerry: I defended this country as a young man, and I WILL defend it as president.

David Cobb: Oh Jesus John, give it a rest. We all know you were there for only four months--I mean--God Dammit, John, you defended all of nothing.

Jim Lehrer: I'm willing to overlook that borderline profanity, but I'm going to ask you to cut it the fuck out! Our next question is from Sean Connery of Alcatraz, California: 'Mishter Piper, how would ye enshoor that the Shcottish people get their own parliament?'

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Ash Preshident, I would fight for an independent Shcotland--oy fockin' right! I would alsho cut taxes for shmall Shcottish buisshnesshes!

Jim Lehrer: Any responses?

Ralph Nader: My opponent is talking about a misguided tax cut when there are literally thousands of Americans right under our noses who don't own a second vehicle. As President, I would raise taxes on the wealthy and on corporations to buy computers, toaster ovens, houseboats, and Gucci wallets for the bottom 75% of Americans.

Jim Lehrer: Can of Spam, what do you say to that?

Spam: ..........

Jim Lehrer: Harsh, harsh words. Now we have a question for Michelle Rodriguez from Abbott Hayes of Pennsylvania: 'Ms. Rodriguez, if you were elected, would you stop killing me?'

Michelle Rodriguez: [censored because of extreme horse-faced ignorance]

George W. Bush: Look Michelle, you can't be President when you flip-flop on issues of the undead. Now, as a leader, I understand that we have to be firm with the undead, especially when we're talking about undead serial killers. That's why, if you folks re-elect me President, I will personally order the 101st Airborne to find Abbott Hayes and smoke him out.

Jesus H. Christ: Perhaps you should turn the other cheek...

George W. Bush: Look buddy, I'm a born-again Christian--I have conviction. What do you know?

Jesus H. Christ: Yes, you're right. As a Jew, Chrisianity is something I will never understand. Frankly, it seems a little wacked to me.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Unlessh you're Shcottish Preshbyterian

Jim Lehrer: Our next question is for Gollum. Mr. Gollum, Frodo Baggins of the Shire, Idaho asks: 'If you are elected, will you give me my ring back?'

Gollum: No, itsss oursss, yesss. Willsss you sssettle for a $1.2 billion dollar tax cut? It willsss ssstimulate our waning economy, yessss?

Ralph Nader: Oh sheesh, everyone seems to be talking about cutting taxes or keeping them the same. Why doesn't anyone have the guts to raise taxes by 300%?

George W. Bush: Now that's just about the dumbest thing I've heard anyone say, and I've heard a lot of really dumb things said in my time.

Rowdy Roddy Piper: Oy, fockin' right!

Spam: ..........

Jim Lehrer: Whoa Spam, lets take it down a few notches. No need for that level of language. Our final question is for the Manchurian Candidate. Othinn, Supreme King of the Aesir from Valhalla, Hawaii asks: 'Mr. Manchurian, if you're elected, what will you do about cronyism in government?'

Manchurian Candidate: I...will...appoint...Uncle...Fester...as...vice...president...end...transmission...no....you're....not....supposed...to ...say...that...part...oh...just...stop...talking...jeez...I'm...shutting...this...mike...off...now...

Jim Lehrer: OK, that wraps up the shittiest debate I've heard in my life. I know I'm not supposed to be partisan in any way, but frankly, if I were you, I'd be voting for the Can of Spam.