To my children:

OK, before your ears perk up, let me be clear that this post is about the OLD Doom (Doom, Doom II, and Final Doom) and has nothing to do with the recently released 'Doom 3,' which I imagine sucks. It really seems a dismal attempt to cash in on the success of an older, much more creative game.

That said, here are a few inconsistencies in the story of Doom that really bother me.

1. As Doom begins, demons have overrun the Martian moon of Phobos. You, a lone guy with a pistol and eight bullets have to storm this crater full of labs and fortresses and things and destroy the evil threat. But why? Why not just let the demons have this P.O.S. moon, which, to my knowledge, doesn't even have any oxygen in the atmosphere? It's not like they can fly through space and reach earth eventually. Hell, they can't even open doors!

2. You beat Doom after collecting innumerable weapons and hordes of sweet, sweet ammo. So how come when you start Doom II, all of your weapons are gone and you're stuck with the same goddamned pistol and the same goddamned eight bullets with which you started the original Doom? Who is our hero? What was he thinking? 'Oh yeah, I killed two pink demons in level 8, so I won't be needing this BFG anymore, or this shotgun, or this plasma rifle...but wait, maybe I'd better keep this dinky pistol and, say, eight bullets in case someone tries to mug me on the way home.'

3. Why are there no tanks/fighter jets/tactical nuclear weapons? Is this game set in the future? I imagine it must be because there's a base on one of Mars' freakin' moons. So what? People don't use tanks in the future? The airforce has been made obsolete by really powerful pistols and chainsaws? And what happened to earth's cache of nuclear weapons? I mean, if Mars were taken over by Satan and his minions, why not just bomb it into little bits from the safety of your own home country?

4. Threat assessment abilities. Ok, lets assume that there are no tanks, airplanes, missiles, chemical bombs, cluster bombs, or artillery. Let's assume that mankind foolishly gave those things up when Universal Peace and Humanity was declared by the United Nations in 2014. So all we have is infantry. A token force of guys in green armour whose lower abdomens are foolishly exposed to the elements and enemy fire. Now, if demons were pouring out of Hell, overrunning Mars and overrunning earth, wouldn't world leaders see that as a big deal? I mean, why send one guy to fight all of Hell? Shouldn't they at least send a squad or a batallion or possibly even a whole regiment? And even if this was, say, a really awesome, really kickass guy who actually could do the job all by himself, wouldn't the united governments of earth give him more than a pistol and eight bullets? Maybe a shotgun, or an M-16 at least?

5. Med-kits. Well, at least the medical technology of the future isn't as bad as the military technology. How can these little first-aid kits heal you back to full health? 'O, gee, Satan just bit off my right arm....O, here's a med-kit, alas I am saved. Now I am as good as new!'

These things spoil an otherwise good game. Here are my recommendations to fix the game and make it the perfect first-person shooter:

1. Start the game with all weapons and all ammo. Yes, I know typing 'IDKFA' gives you this, but I shouldn't have to type it. My character should be smart enough to come prepared.

2. Remove med-kits or reduce their effectiveness. Maybe they could contain gauze, so, with the right abount of pressure, you could dress your wound and not bleed to death. But under no circumstances should they bring you even remotely close to 100%.

3. Give the main guy night-vision goggles. These things are cheap and widely available. Why our hero felt they were unnecessary is beyond me.

4. Give the main guy nuclear weapons. This makes sense if all of Hell is invading. It really does. Plus, this compensates for the fact that you can now no longer get your health back.