To my children:

I've come to take it for granted that the world is spinning wildly out of control, but every once in a while some shit happens that's just so outrageously messed up that I have to complain about it in article form. Accordingly, therefore, allow me to present my numerous witty objections to the dieting trend that's currently sweeping the nation.

Before I proceed, I would like to concede to my ideological nemeses that there is indeed a weight problem in the civilized world today. To compound our weight problem, most areas of the world are affected by gravity, which pulls our mass towards the centre of the earth at Fg = G X (M1 X M2) / r2. So basically there are a lot of lard-asses rolling around, and someone/something besides extreme fatigue must put a stop to their gastronomic galavanting.

But are popular diets the answer? I have compiled a list of the most common quick-fix diets, in no particular order, and have offered in-depth analysis of each. So before you toss the lamb chop for lettuce or the braised grouse for breaded grapefruit, consider the following scientific* assessments:


The Atkins Diet: was developed by a guy who really loved his red meat and later died from an "unrelated" heart condition. Its jist is that you should be eating more meat and less bread and vegetables. The diet is good if you like surf 'n' turf for breakfast, but bad if you like bread, lettuce and tomato in your BLT.


The South Beach Diet: mandates that you eat only while you're present in South Beach, Ventura County, California. This diet is highly effective at curbing food intake since, as you can imagine, most people only get around to South Beach, California once or twice in a lifetime. The diet's main flaw is that it has turned the permanent residents of South Beach into orca-sized butterballs.


The Grapefruit Diet: consists mainly of shrimp and fried peppers. I've seen better.


The Zombie Diet: you can eat all of the warm flesh that you want, but successive meals become harder and harder to find as the diet grows in popularity. Downsides include a lack of leafy greens and chronic undeadness.


Weight-Watchers: each food item is assigned a points value, and you can't exceed your points limit for the day (usually ranges between 20-35). However, while they say you can't eat more than your daily limit, many people do. Here are some all-time high scores:

Roseanne Barr: 3,124,445 points

Dom DeLuise: 2,499,621 points

Screwdriver Zombie: 655,876 points (mostly warm flesh; see above)

The average resident of Florida: 568,903 points

The average resident of Ethiopia: 1.23 points


The 25,000 B.C. Diet: scarce food supplies mean that you eat next to nothing. Something else, however, will very likely eat you. Not recommended for those who value their lives or thought that Clan of the Cave Bear was utter claptrap.


There y'all have it, children. There are, of course, many other diets, including the dismally unsuccessful "Eat Right and Exercise Regularly" diet, which failed within its first 2 months on the market. Also, feel free to give Uncle Fester's very own "Nothing but Kentucky Bourbon and Pickled Eggs" diet, which has brought me down to a 46 waist. Sexy. Sexy indeed.

Fester


* I use "scientific" in the original Latin sense of "knowledgeable." I am in no way affiliated with actual science or the good people at bustygirlsofscience.com