To my children:

They say 'good things don't last forever.' Well the same can be said for good-old individualistic capitalism. Everywhere you turn these days, some lefty is ranting about the 'collective good' or how every human being is born with the right to thousands and thousands of YOUR hard-earned dollars. My friends this is called 'communism,' and it's friggin' everywhere these days.

Communism began with Plato, a fat, old Greek guy who argued that property (incuding wives) needed to be held in common. He basically argued that Socrates next door should be able to come into your house whenever he wants and bang your wife because that is his duty to the state. This seems like a pretty retarded idea, but since Plato, the idea of collective property has only gained in momentum.

In the 1800s, another fat, old guy named Marx sat his commie ass down in the British Library and started writing a book about how the proletariat - the bums of our society - were really these huge friggin' pillars of virtue that needed to overthrow the scummy, malicious capitalists, who, through some bizarre historical anomaly, have always had the money and power that rightfully belongs to the proletariat.

Since Marx, some serious shit has gone down.

In 1917, Lenin and Trotsky led the Russian Revolution which turned Russia into a communist state. In 1949, Mao Tse-tung did the same thing in China; then old Castro did it in Cuba; and now growing evidence suggests that B.A. Baracus, long thought to be one of the A-Team's most loyal and patriotic members, was planning a REDvolution of his own.

The point is, that the whole course of human history has been irreparably altered because some Greek guy in ancient Athens wanted to bang other people's wives. Can rational people not see the lunacy of communist doctrine? If you get shit no matter what you do, why go sweat borsch everyday in the uranium mines so some pinhead in Vladivostock gets a brand new car?

Truth be told, Western intellectuals condemn both the horrible fascist governments of the 20th century as well as the more modern cases of fundamentalism. But these ivory tower scholars still embrace communism. Go to any university and you'll find no shortage of professors and students holding Marx's Das Kapital in one hand and a Kalishnikov in the other demanding that countries like Canada, the U.S.A. and Great Britain drop everything they're doing and become communist.

Look people: This shit don't work.

Communism will never work. It is based on a false materialistic view of human history and its tenets fail to acknowledge the fundamental characteristics of human nature that will frig up any communist system before it even establishes itself. I imagine some of you don't agree with me. Well, I'm damned proud to live in a country where I can write this article and post it on an uncensored public forum as large and far-reaching as the internet. If you don't like that, I hear Cuba's hiring.

This shit don't work.

Communism's rating (compared to other forms of polity):

A measely 3%, because Plato was an asshole.