Top Ten Celebrities Who Should Be President

To my children:
We all know that George Bush is going to win this November's election. But, in 2008, we'll have to choose a new, possibly non-Bush, American President. This got me thinking: what celebrities would I like to see at the helm of the world's only superpower? Here are my picks:

10. Arnold Schwarzeneggar. I don't know if he could solve Colombia's drug problem, but he would definitely solve Colombia's Predator problem. Plus he gets along well with children (cf. Kindergarten Cop; Last Action Hero; Junior), visible minorities (cf. Predator; Conan the Destroyer; Jingle All the Way), and Tom Arnold (cf. True Lies).

9. Harrison Ford. C'mon people, he threw Gary Oldman off a plane. If John Kerry could throw Gary Oldman off a plane, then he'd be on this list too.

8. Gary Oldman. He's a persistent little bugger, and he'll fight for what he believes in. He'll also fight for the establishment of Supreme Evil (cf. The Fifth Element). If he is president, though, you have to make sure that Harrison Ford isn't the vice-president.

7. Michelle Rodriguez. Not so much that she'd make a good president. I just want to see the reaction on Tripwire's face.

6. Patrick Kolla. The creator of Spy-Bot, Search and Destroy, is, I suppose, a celebrity on some level. I mean, if we truly want national security, we'd vote for the guy who's already given us browser security on our computers. With Mr. Kolla as Mr. President, we'd never have Bin Laden trying to sell us Viagra again!

5. Jean-Claude Van Damme. We're all obsessed about Al Qaida, but the real terrorist mastermind is M. Bison, or possibly Shang Tsung. Either way, Mr. Van Damme, or 'Guile,' as he's more commonly known, is the man to neutralise these terrorist buggers at their source.

4. Donald Trump. I just want to see him 'fire' his national security advisor.

3. Dick Cheney. Sure he's a celebrity, and he'd make a good president too. Almost as good as George Bush. Most vice-presidents just sit in the background and talk in monotonous voices, but Cheney is a man of vision, and, perhaps less significant, a man with a lot of money. By the way, his 'bleeding heart' isn't an expression of his political allegiance; the man actually has a bad heart.

2. Johnny Knoxville. Why? Because it's about time that we had a world leader who isn't afraid to crash a shopping cart into the U.N. General Assembly. Plus, we need a guy who's willing to moon that asshole Kofi Annan.

1. The number one celebrity president would be Tom Savini. If you don't know who he is, check out www.imdb.com. Those of you who know him, likely from the original Dawn of the Dead, but perhaps also from Children of the Living Dead, will understand why a nation in peril needs a man like Mr. Savini. The undead are perhaps the biggest special interest group in the country today. They pose a clear and present danger to the budget and to the sustainablity of social security. They also eat people's brains, which directly contravenes the Budapest Convention on the Cessation of Brain Eating, signed by 191 countries back in 1981. There's no 'U S A' in the word 'zombie,' so why do we continue to allow zombies in the U.S.A.?